Sunday, August 18, 2013

What If I'm Just Lazy?

I don’t like to admit it, but every now and then thoughts about whether I’m just lazy creep in. 

Being sick for an extended period of time can make it hard to remember what being healthy feels like.  As the memories of having normal amounts of energy fade, I sometimes find myself doubting what my body is telling me.  I feel like I need to rest after doing little or even nothing, yet I question if I am being too careful.  Having forgotten what it feels like to not feel so exhausted, I wonder if I only imagined feeling normal. 

These thoughts eat at me, as I was always highly motivated and active.  I often end up pushing myself and crashing hard after letting these thoughts get a hold of me.  That’s one way to banish them.

I was lucky enough to have three really good days last month.  I don’t think I’ve had days that good since getting sick.  For those few days I almost felt normal and it was amazing. 

I have been in a constant fog since I’ve been sick.  I always feel like I’m half asleep or dreaming.  Then one day last month, I actually felt awake.  I had forgotten what that was like.  And by the next night, brushing my teeth and flossing felt like the simple tasks they are, rather than an Olympic feat.  I was ecstatic. 

I felt ready to do anything.  And of course I completely overdid it.  It just felt so great to be able to do things without that heavy feeling like someone turned up the gravity. 

Those few days reminded me of what I already knew, but was having trouble remembering.  If I could do more without making myself sicker, I would.  I’m not lazy.  Once I actually have energy, I have trouble stopping myself from doing everything I can.

Do you struggle with keeping such thoughts from creeping in?

3 comments:

  1. Oh my! I often feel this way and then I try to push and realize I'm not lazy and this is a terrible disease. And then, I cry.

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  2. I find myself doing the same thing, having to take a rest after a little chore, its frustrating to say the least.I am lucky, my husband is very understanding and never tells me I am lazy, cause he knows if I could , I would.One day at a time, thats the way I live.

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  3. Yes, yes, yes! I do that all the time. I think- maybe I'm not really sick. Then try to do something as normal people do only to end up in bed for days on end. A hard reminder that yes, I am still sick.

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